A shovel

I am in a rut.  I just don't feel any motivation for anything.  Not anything.  I have low moments when my pain peaks.  My spirits are low.  But it seems that even when things are not acute, i'm at this plateau, emotionally and physically where I just don't get any higher, go any further, get any better.

Now it comes down to not wanting to leave the house.  The things that interested me before, just don't call my attention anymore.  I used to be so creative.  I had a number of different creative outlets, and now, I just don't care to go there.  There are so many other things that need doing I say, "Once I do these necessary things, I can do something else."  But the truth is, I just feel lousy.  I don't care to do anything.  Taking care of the kids is about all I do.  And really I feel like I am not a spectacular mother in that we should get out more, I should play with them physically more.  I am in a rut.  Is this depression?

I get angry inside because washing my daughter's hair hurts.  I have chronic tendonitis and carpal tunnel, so pinching and grasping can be a problem.  Its silly, I was using the wrong size plastic container with which to rinse my daughter's hair in the bath for the longest time.  And then my thumb and wrist would hurt.  I switched to a plastic cup and my problem has decreased.  I should have thought of it sooner, but I just didn't.  I guess I was just clouded by my frustration.  And then there were times when my husband would wash her hair and I would not remember, of course, until the next time I hurt myself doing it.  Always feeling, "whats wrong with me?!"  sometimes failing to make accommodations.  I guess, that even after nearly seven years I expect that I will get better.  I will be me again.  And I'm not.  I don't know if I ever will be, and this is maddening, a very anxiety inducing thought.

Over the last year I have dealt more with this lowness of spirit.  I want to dig myself out of this whole.  I'm not sure what is wrong.  Am I depressed?  I don't even entirely know what that means.  However, I do know that I am not myself, that I am physically hurting all the time, that I am a big disappointment to myself and I want to change.  I do not want to live this way.  I want to feel well and live life as fully as I can.  Just be able to roll around, run, play tag with my own children.  My babies who are growing up so  quickly and may someday recall that their Mother was... whatever it is I am right now.  In a rut.  In a whole.  Crying by turns, trying to play along from my place at other times, but here still the same.

Have not been to the pool yet.  Today would have been my first real opportunity to go, but I had a terrible headache.  Tomorrow maybe?  I really must try.

Now for a shovel?  Going to see the Dr tomorrow.  Maybe he can guide me somewhat.  Normally nothing results from these appointments.  Just more suggestions for medication.  I want other options.  Lets see if we can get anything done tomorrow.

Something to sing about:
My husband worked hard this week.  He saw that I was having a REALLY hard time.  Acute pain, and a migraine that just would not go away.  I was a wreck.  The house work was pilling up.  I really had just let it get that way, but it gets worse on days when I am out.  As if he doesn't have enough to do with all his sleepless nights and ALL the work he has to do all day long, he chose to help me anyway.  He washed several loads of laundry and did the dishes.  He even put most of the clean clothes away!  Wow.  What a blessing.  Mr. P also had a BIG project due for one of his classes.  The kind he stays up all night for.  But maybe my mess just got to him or he just really felt bad for me.  or both!  Either way, I am very grateful.  Now I just have to keep up.  It seems I never do.  But its a nice head start for the week.  I'll take it and try to not feel so in the pits about the house (as usual).